5 Most WTF Castings in Historical Movies

24 Aug

Cate Blanchett, Joaquin Phoenix, Ben Kingsley. What do these actors have in common? Their amazing portrayals of historical figures (as Elizabeth, Commodus, and Gandhi respectively), portrayals that were captured viewers and brought history to life. What do the following actors have in common apart from their crazy eyes? Ladies and Gentlemen, these are the 5 Most WTF Castings in Historical Movies.

1. Jonathan Rhys Meyers as Henry VIII in The Tudors


A Venetian ambassador once described Henry VIII as “the handsomest potentate I ever set eyes on; above the usual height, with an extremely fine calf to his leg, his complexion very fair and bright, with auburn hair.” Historically speaking, Henry VIII was a ginger,around 6’2 (a giant in his day!), and as most importantly, English. So how on earth did the part of Henry VIII go to Jonathan Rhys Meyers, a small, dark, Irishman with crazy eyes?! As far as I’m concerned picking JRM to play Henry would be like picking Kevin Costner to play Robin Hood…oh wait. I don’t Henry would have approved of this!

This however, anyone would approve of

2. Daniel Defoe as Jesus Christ in The Last Temptation of Christ.

This performance has really taught me a lot about Jesus and his society. I mean, who knew Jesus was born in Brooklyn? Also, who knew that Jesus’ peers wold be so accepting of his randomly Nordic appearance.  (Sidenote: I also didn’t know that 1st century AD Judea was the first to discover the perm treatment!) I know this movie is not the high of realism, but Really, Martin Scorsese?! You’re gonna cast a scrawny blonde dude with crazy frog eyes and a Neeew Yorkah to play a Middle Eastern carpenter?  I just don’t see it! But then again Martin Scorsese is the one with Oscar so who’s to say who is right in this situation. Oh wait, I am. Ask wikipedia. To be honest, if Jesus was anything like the way Daniel Defoe played him, I highly doubt he would have gotten any followers. Daniel Defoe lacks any kind of spiritual charisma or air of goodness in his performance of Jesus and would perhaps have played Judas better. He’s certainly got the crazy frog eyes for the role.

3. The entire cast of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (sans Alan Rickman,who kicked serious ass)

I don’t even know where to begin with this movie. Okay, I’ll get the elephant out of the room: WTF KEVIN COSTNER? Who to pick for to play an English national icon? Oh I know, lets pick the most All-American guy out there! Kevin Costner’s ridiculous accent and his general outlook on life are that of a cowboy in the Wild West not an English lord in the Middle Ages. Did they really run out of English people to play Robin Hood? The townsfolk in this film are no better. They are either unapologetically American or a laughable parodies of Englishmen. I am genuinely surprised that the United Kingdom did not sue Hollywood for what Kevin Costner did to Robin Hood; surely it must be defamation of character?

4. Milla Jovovich as Joan of Arc in The Messenger

You know, I really can’t decide what made this director think Milla Jovovich was the best actress to play Joan of Arc: the crack he was on or the fact he was married to her. Milla Jovovich (sarcastic) interestingly (/sarcastic) chooses to TAAAALK LLIIIIIIIIIKE THISSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! throughout the whole film and her emotions fly from possessed to RAGE in a second. Not to mention, she makes Joan look like a crazy Eastern European hooker after doing too much coke. Milla, you may be hot and all but I think you need to tone down the crazy by at least 5 notches and then we might be able to talk.

5. Eddie Redmayne as anyone in anything.

Poor Eddie Redmayne. The only look in his arsenal is the constipated mouth breather look and when I first laid eyes on him, I doubted his career would reach far. But it did reach far- or at least far enough to murder some good characters in the world of historical fiction perhaps. Take for instance William Stafford from the Other Boleyn Girl: described a burley dude, very much a manly man. Naturally to piss me off, the studio cast Eddie Redmayne and his reedy body and weirdo face to play him. Eddie was also cast in Tess of the D’Urbervilles (2008) where he played Angel Clare. This annoyed me a little less because as a reader I have always found Angel to be most annoying, a habit both him and Eddie share. However, I did not imagine Angel to be so…hapless and stupid looking! At last, Eddie is currently playing Jack Jackson in the Starz adaption of Pillars of the Earth which infuriated me to no end. Jack is supposed to be a hot ginger (oxymoron, I know) and full of confidence yet Eddie Consistently makes him into a crazy-eyed mouth breathing freak. Thanks a lot Eddie. Now every time I see your stupid face in a poster, I shall avoid that movie like the plague.

7 Responses to “5 Most WTF Castings in Historical Movies”

  1. Historicist October 6, 2010 at 11:49 #

    You are so spot on here. Very funny stuff! Especially Kevin Costner in Robin Hood which is one of the greatest travesties in film history. But Eddie Redmayne, I thought, was well cast in Pillars. (I did notice the sort of creepy mouth-breather thing, though). Nice article!

    • historyunderreview October 8, 2010 at 22:32 #

      Thank you so very much! I hope Eddie’s mouth-breathing ways will not haunt you too much in the next season of Pillars. Took at gander at your blog and loved it!

  2. Annoyed October 17, 2010 at 04:53 #

    I am completely annoyed and not amused by your comments. Hmmmm did you see any reviews about Eddie at all, I think not and you are the only one that has anything negative to say, who obviously doesn’t know a good actor when they see one bc ev eryone else does, and he’s now won a tony and is critically acclaimed , you really should change your line of work. I wish could see what you looked like so I could bash you and the way you “breathe” weirdo, who says that?? Wake up, get a life and see what you’re missing bc you’ve obviously missed a lot . He is gorgeous , don’t be jealous loser.

    • historyunderreview October 20, 2010 at 23:41 #

      Golly, honestly did not mean to offend! Mr. Redmayne is a lovely man both inside and out but I must say that I am only stating my own opinion which I did not think would hold such gravity. I am regretful that I have caused you such anger. However, thank you for your insightful views and as you are my first negative reviewer I am going to treasure your comment/concerns.

      A token of my gratitude: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVy3Hhq1yts
      Enjoy! Not gonna lie at 0:47 he looks not that bad!

  3. Tabby April 27, 2012 at 15:55 #

    First, I know this is an old post.

    Second: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAA! (JRM = @.@ eyes.)

    I so love you for the JRM/puppy pic. Because I have jokingly told friends he looks like a pissed-off chihuahua when he does that. I can’t take the crazy eyes seriously, although I’m sure if I were faced with them IRL, Id be a little worried. I mean, the dude is pretty attractive, but when he does the really wide eyes? It’s… kind of ‘crazed convict rabbit’ or something similar.

    Of course, I’ve also referred to him as ‘Killer Bambi.’

    And yes, I actually like him as an actor, but those eyes… dude. They are a bit too intense.

    • historyunderreview November 20, 2012 at 00:46 #

      THE EYES!!! Though I hear he is going to be in a Dracula reboot….perfect casting of The Eyes?? could be!!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Top 5 Portrayals of Historical Figures in Film « An (Entertaining) Review of Historical TV and Film - August 13, 2011

    [...] as a foil to my post on the 5 Most WTF Castings in Historical Movies, this article aims to bring you the best, the brightest, and the most convincing portrayals of all [...]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: